UN- Defining Me

April 19, 2009

I have thought about writing this entry for a long time. Now that I have actually sat down to put the words on paper, I know this version will be a lot different then if I wrote it six weeks ago, a month ago or even yesterday. With each new day, I have discovered a level of observation and lessons that are both humbling and encouraging on this journey. I write these words with gratitude.

I have spent the better part of my life doing what I thought I should do. Most of it based on societal conditioning, some it from family expectations, and a lot of it a result of the pressure I have put on myself to be successful.

September of 2008 I made some choices I never thought possible. I had been standing on the edge for a long time; miserable in both my job and my relationship. One day while taking the bus to work, I made the first choice- I could not go one more day lying to myself or others at work. I was so unhappy in the work I was doing, and sucked so far into the justifications of why I was staying that I just quit. I walked into the office, talked to my manager and just said; I can’t do this anymore. Done. Of course I gave two weeks notice and I was grateful for the attempts to get me to stay. But on this day in September, one week before my twenty seventh birthday, I finally said enough. And that was that, with nothing else lined up.

Now if the relationship could have been so cut and dry. But no, I kept walking back into the tears, lies, and drama. Ran, actually, every time. Obviously I had things to keep learning and I always need to do it in my own time- to a fault actually. Ideally you take one major life change at a time, but not me, I just did it all at once. Eventually the relationship was over, not my doing though, nope. We attended our second couples counseling session and paid $80/hour for a professional to tell us that the crazy demands my boyfriend thought I had were actually minimal expectations for any intimate relationship. The first one being trust and the second being respect. Yep, I paid money to hear that. Not to go into too many details to “respect” the privacy of our relationship, it was over. He ended it two days before my twenty seventh birthday, five days after I had just quit my job with no new prospects of work. I’d like to be able to say that now it was finally over and though it was in my heart, there were still those last desperate attempts on both our parts to salvage what was good (ie. suck me back in).

I can write about this now, eight months later, and even add a little humor to it, but at the time, as you can imagine, it was pure misery. I had just let go of the two things that had caused me so much pain, but brought me so much security at the same time. What was I going to do? I was too exhausted to look for jobs, there was nothing in this world I could possible sell myself to do. I felt like I had just been through a war and now I was suppose to stand up, dust myself off and move on. How?

Where am I now? Eight months after the jump. Am I better off? Having taking away all the things that use to define me, what defines me now?