Introduction

I have been searching for the "right time" to start my blog for almost a year. I guess I finally found it on the anniversary of what I call "jumping". It is crazy that a whole year has gone by. When I think about where I was emotionally, spiritually, and physically one year ago- so much has changed, little that is the same.

My intentions of this blog is to share my writings (both past and present), something I am curious to learn more about. I decided that if I am serious about pursuing this, I need to just put it out there and learn along the way. But within in my writings, I hope to share my truth. The honesty and realness of what this journey has been, the lessons that I have learned, the mountains I have climbed and the valleys I have felt swallowed up in.

I open myself to this process and hope that you will share with me your thoughts, suggestions, own truths, discoveries, or just funny stories!

In love and gratitude,

Elizabeth

One Year

This is the day. One year ago. I jumped. I was sitting on the bus filled with people, I knew I could just not do this anymore. I could not go one more day, hour, minute, second, living the lie that I was living. Things were not ok, I was miserable. No more justification, no more excuses.

I walked into the office. I asked my manager to speak with him. We started talking about work as I searched for the courage to say the words. Then I just said them. "I can't do this anymore. Please accept today as my notice." There was shock in his eyes, but determination in my heart. Nothing could be said or done or taken back or given. I had made my decision.

I had no direction. I didn't know what I was going to do. This wasn't planned and all the money I made sure was not sitting in the bank. I just knew with my whole body I could not go one more day pulling myself out of bed (late), to get ready in heels and nice clothes and get on that bus with everyone else that takes us to a place where the sun hardly shines through the buildings, to work for someone else with little appreciation, to only maybe find time for lunch, to end the day back on the bus and take me to my house where I am to relax and then start the whole thing over tomorrow.

There had to something more. I was jumping off to find it.

The day the car fell apart.

The whole day has been a bit crazy really, sleeping in a tent through a thunderstorm, getting wet by the flap that I kept open because it was to hot to close, forcing myself out of my wet sleeping bag at 6:30am to get my car to the shop for the third day in a row to fix a water pump that was last weekend's drama. Lingering in a diner asking for more coffee because I was tired and did not know what to do with my day- then loitering in a hotel lobby that had free wi-fi and a nice view. I went down to the beach and decided I wanted to go swimming, but that would require the bathing suit in my car. Walking back to the shop, I bought an overpriced flotation device and ate my toast that I saved from breakfast for lunch. Once I got to my car, I had to climb a latter to get into my trunk since it was still being worked on- I was thrown off by this factor and forgot what I wanted to grab and only took the suit and towel. After changing I realized I forgot sunscreen and thought it better to ask people on the beach to borrow some rather then burn or have to go back to my car. I eventually found a parent that was willing to let me use a some of their babies 30 block. So then the puffing began and about 20 minutes later I had a raft. Determined to get across the lake on my $6.99 raft (not the $40 Kayak I had looked into renting yesterday) I set sail and skimmed the surface of the water at what I thought to be an olympic pace. I found out the length of the lake was one mile and I felt victorious of my two mile venture. Somewhere in the middle though, I stopped, sat up and just started laughing. What the hell am I doing, I thought. I was sitting in the middle of a lake in the mountains of NY on a cheap floatation device with borrow sunscreen not knowing where I was going to sleep tonight (except that it would be in a different country) and the only familiar thing to me at that moment was my car being worked on in a shop. Thats when I decided I needed start writing about these adventures, the humor was to good not to share.

So that chapter ended well- after 3 days and $300 I was certain my car would be running like new (oh, except for a new piece that needed replacing but was not in stock so I would have to have that done in the next 1000 miles...) But a 1000 miles was gold at that point, I was just happy to be leaving Lake Placid and heading up to Montreal. I had to go back to tear down my camp and reorganize my car to hit the road. I was set to go about 6pm, looked at a map and away I went. The scenery was amazing with the fog rolling into the mountains with the sun still high in the sky, I stopped to take some picture because this was the first real weather that you could see all the different elevations around. I was a few miles out of town and stopped to take the photo you see attached, I was pulling out from the shoulder, made a turn and started accelerating- the car died. There was nothing I could do but coast into the nearest driveway. I called the mechanic straight away praying he was still there and he was. I realized I had pulled into a hostel and and older man came out to see what was wrong. Once I new the tow truck was on the way, I chatted with the man as he checked all my fluids confirming that they were full. When I tow truck arrived, it was obvious there was no quick fix and he would have to take it in. That left me without a car or place to sleep. Thankfully it happen to be a hostel that the older man said it was a reasonable place to stay and he could give me a lift into town the next day. I had to call the number on the wall because there was no front desk and balked when the guy told me $35/night. Jay, the mechanic asked to talk with Ken, hostel owner (apparently they knew each other) and proceeded to work out a deal for me because he felt responsible for my misfortune. I agreed to $20 and away my car went leaving me standing in the drive with just my overnight bag, my laptop and my new friend, John.

John has been very generous offering me food and conversation. He has enlightened me to his conspiratorial views and how 9/11 was an inside job. I am exhausted from the day (and now even more from writing about it) and I am sitting in my six person dorm with just me in it. It is safe, I feel good. Curious as to what tomorrow will bring (I'll keep you posted), and grateful for all that I do have.

UN- Defining Me

April 19, 2009

I have thought about writing this entry for a long time. Now that I have actually sat down to put the words on paper, I know this version will be a lot different then if I wrote it six weeks ago, a month ago or even yesterday. With each new day, I have discovered a level of observation and lessons that are both humbling and encouraging on this journey. I write these words with gratitude.

I have spent the better part of my life doing what I thought I should do. Most of it based on societal conditioning, some it from family expectations, and a lot of it a result of the pressure I have put on myself to be successful.

September of 2008 I made some choices I never thought possible. I had been standing on the edge for a long time; miserable in both my job and my relationship. One day while taking the bus to work, I made the first choice- I could not go one more day lying to myself or others at work. I was so unhappy in the work I was doing, and sucked so far into the justifications of why I was staying that I just quit. I walked into the office, talked to my manager and just said; I can’t do this anymore. Done. Of course I gave two weeks notice and I was grateful for the attempts to get me to stay. But on this day in September, one week before my twenty seventh birthday, I finally said enough. And that was that, with nothing else lined up.

Now if the relationship could have been so cut and dry. But no, I kept walking back into the tears, lies, and drama. Ran, actually, every time. Obviously I had things to keep learning and I always need to do it in my own time- to a fault actually. Ideally you take one major life change at a time, but not me, I just did it all at once. Eventually the relationship was over, not my doing though, nope. We attended our second couples counseling session and paid $80/hour for a professional to tell us that the crazy demands my boyfriend thought I had were actually minimal expectations for any intimate relationship. The first one being trust and the second being respect. Yep, I paid money to hear that. Not to go into too many details to “respect” the privacy of our relationship, it was over. He ended it two days before my twenty seventh birthday, five days after I had just quit my job with no new prospects of work. I’d like to be able to say that now it was finally over and though it was in my heart, there were still those last desperate attempts on both our parts to salvage what was good (ie. suck me back in).

I can write about this now, eight months later, and even add a little humor to it, but at the time, as you can imagine, it was pure misery. I had just let go of the two things that had caused me so much pain, but brought me so much security at the same time. What was I going to do? I was too exhausted to look for jobs, there was nothing in this world I could possible sell myself to do. I felt like I had just been through a war and now I was suppose to stand up, dust myself off and move on. How?

Where am I now? Eight months after the jump. Am I better off? Having taking away all the things that use to define me, what defines me now?